I had a dream I stood beneath an orange sky

It's never too late to write a journal entry about winter break.

I was home for about three weeks and didn't do much besides cut wheat embryos at work, and take pictures of the cats in wrapping paper.

Then it was back to Colgate for a snowshoe, basic water safety, and WFR, and off to Rock and River for a few days. WFR was amazing, highlights included meeting some really interesting people, Cabot, watching the hilarious video of the first simulation, almost being guilt-tripped into becoming a paramedic, and tons of backboarding and other fun rescue practices. The focus of the course was more on serious, life threatening injuries and how to avoid killing those people, than about things we are likely to encounter, like blisters. That's fine with me though, because now blisters or sprains aren't scary compared to cardiac arrest or an MOI for spine, and I feel like I could actually be helpful in a serious incident.

The first day upstate was spent cross country skiing at Mt. Vanhovenberg and getting me addicted to the sport. Then we took a day off due to rain, only leaving R&R for a shopping spree at the Mountaineer.

Then the sun came out and two gorgeous days of ice climbing followed. I didn't really believe the guide when he said it would take some time to get used to crampons, but we'd feel much more comfortable after just a few hours in them, but that's exactly what happened. I liked ice climbing so much better than rock climbing. I think maybe it's because I have no hand strength, so I prefer hanging off the axes with the wrist loops to jamming my fingers into a crevice. And it just looks so badass.

The rule for OE is you have to wear a blue jacket and black pants. Westley you lose.

Tune in next time for extrav and second semester updates.

After this evening's OE holiday party, I felt it would be an appropriate time to summarize and reflect on the first semester of staff training.

Well I guess it all started with the interview. I was so nervous. If Josh and all the trainers sat in a row asking me impossible questions now, it would just be funny, but it was pretty tough a few months ago. I can't imagine what I would be like if I hadn't applied or hadn't been accepted. Would I have invested myself in other things that make me as happy as outdoor ed?

The first few weeks of class were really fun. That was back when the weather was warm enough to go canoeing, kayaking, and climbing at Little Falls. I don't remember learning anything really big, I think it was mostly a time for becoming comfortable with group, developing basic skills and knowledge, and starting to grasp what it means to be an outdoor education leader. The October break trip was when we began working on our personal leadership skills. Kayaking was amazing, and so was the experience of being away from school, doing something completely different yet equally meaningful. The key moments I remember were getting 10x better at kayaking overnight, feeling overwhelmed by leading legs of paddling for the very first time, dealing with a wrong turn, teaching a stroke on the spur of the moment, getting pulled aside for feedback and realizing how obvious my leadership weaknesses are, not wanting to be anywhere else in the world, and the sinking feeling in my stomach as Colgate came into view on the way back.

Over the next few weeks as we got deeper into the curriculum, it sank in that I am actually going to be leading a trip in less than a year. Leadership styles, group dynamics, landfulness, risk management and all those things started making more sense. By this point I felt like I knew everyone pretty well and everything felt more natural. Survival was a peaceful experience, and it reminded me how much I enjoy being by myself sometimes. Especially outside on a clear night, sitting against the most comfortable tree on the planet with nothing to do but think. I doubt that was the intention of the survival overnight, but for me that was bigger than learning how to build an A-frame.

Before the Adirondack backpacking trip, I had my second benchmark meeting. While the first one had been quite friendly ("you've got a lot to offer, but you're not offering it ... you need to speak up more"), Josh kind of came down on me this time. After mulling it over for a while, I realized what a serious issue my shyness could be. It's hard to describe, but I think shyness doesn't always come across as shyness. Not talking can come across as being disinterested, or distanced among others. When I think of people I liked immediately, or always respond well to, they're the people who are super-friendly and talkative right off the bat (though not to the point of obnoxiousness). I guess I learned that speaking up has implications beyond the content of the words.

I was worried about the backpacking trip for a long time, never having been backpacking in my life. That was unnecessary. Of course it was somewhat physically demanding, and the pack took a while to get used to (actually I never got it to fit perfectly), but overall it was wonderful. This was our first trip with CLODs, and since we had a group of five, one of us had to CLOD twice. I absolutely knew it would be me. And thank goodness it was, because I completely blew my first shot. Not that anything went wrong, or I did anything with a negative impact, but I didn't really do anything at all. Classic case of unbalanced stepping up/stepping back between leaders. I got a little down on myself when that was over, but I still had a good time hiking for the rest of the afternoon. I've seen plenty of beaver lodges ("forget lakeside, that shit is lake-on" - Mitch Hedberg), but I saw my first beaver dam right alongside the trail. Cool stuff. Greg and Jamie definitely had the toughest segment to lead, bushwacking up Treadway Mt. partly in the dark, but it was all good. Personal peak count: 2. Hiking down was another story. By this time I was exhausted in every way possible, physically from hiking and serious sleep deprivation (I'd had about four hours in the past two nights combined), mentally and emotionally. So that was the low point for me. Things started to improve when we got to camp and I successfully cooked by myself for the first time. The turning point of the entire trip was being introduced to the hot water bottle in the jacket trick. Wow. My attitude and emotional state did a 180 just from some food and heat. In my opinion, life does not get better than a puffy jacket and a hot Nalgene. So after some reflection on what we wanted to improve (I said my efficiency), Rach and I organized the morning's tasks. Why didn't I think of that before? All I had to do was plan it out before I went to sleep and I wouldn't be overwhelmed and inefficient in the morning. So my second clodding opportunity got off to a quick start, and the day couldn't have gone any smoother. It was just perfect.

I've continued to work on speaking up during the classes since the trip and I think I'm getting better. I had one particularly good night - dinner at the Baker's before Thanksgiving. Besides the great food, great company, cozy house, and perfect family, I was feeling uncharacteristically extroverted that evening and participated in discussions more than I ever have. That was the class before Josh and Molly announced that they were leaving. I think I've gotten used to that concept (although I'll be a mess when we have to say goodbye) and I'm just trying to learn as much from them as I can.

I'm looking forward to coming back for WFR as much as I'm looking forward to going home. Unless I get hypothermia, it's going to pretty sweet being here alone without any homework. I'm also really looking forward to skill seminars next semester, hopefully I'll do both kayaking in x-country skiing.

In news from the rest of my life, I'm officially a biology major! I've actually been going to work recently, and things are going well. It has been a good semester. Sure molecular bio wasn't much fun, but I enjoyed writing the scientific paper. America as a Democracy was a valuable class since understanding our government is so practical and important for being an informed citizen, and I had no idea about other types of democracies before this class. Brain and behavior was continuously fascinating, and Tibet gave me a better philosophy on life. I also kept up with my recycling green stride this year, and I even went to SEA meetings too.

I'm excited for new batch of classes, especially ecology, ethics, and wilderness with half the training class, and philosophy. I know it's crazy, but I'm really into philosophy now. And maps. And quotes. Wow, if there was a philosophical quote about maps, I think I would die. Anyways, next semester I want to work on this whole procrastination thing. We'll see what I can do with a fresh start.

I keep forgetting to write in this. I will do a little summary of things I missed someday.

The reason I am writing now however, is that my world has just been shattered. The best thing about Colgate is Outdoor Ed. The best part of my life right now is Outdoor Ed. Molly and Josh Baker are basically synonymous with Colgate Outdoor Ed. and they just dropped the bomb that this will be their last year. While of course I totally understand and support their decision to move closer to family and try something new, I can't help but feel shocked and a little abandoned. It's really sad that they won't be around for the first WA I lead, or my first gym class, and they won't be around when I graduate. Mostly right now it just feels surreal. I can't believe it.

I guess I should take it as motivation to make the most of training, because this is really all that I get.

Scavenger hunts are easier the second time around. Training tonight was the same "Hamilton Initiative" activity that I did freshman year in Molly's PE class. It was a strange feeling knowing all the answers to things I'd never even heard about last time. I mean, I remembered "Lake Moraine, to Payne Creek, to Taylor Lake, to the Chenango River, to the Susquehanna River, to the Chesapeake Bay" off the top of my head. I finally figured out what all the symbols on the Hamilton flag mean too. Apparently the ambiguous red flower is a rose, which is the state flower of New York. Who knew. Anyway, it was awesome having such a direct measure of how I've changed in a year.

I read the last part of Aldo Leopold's book for today. Although it didn't teach me anything new about conservation (it was written in the forties), it was very poetic, and I enjoyed it. I was compelled to highlight something on almost every page, and I'm not usually the highlighting type. My new favorite quote about wilderness:

Where nameless men by nameless rivers wander
and in strange valleys die strange deaths alone.

Now I'm just trying to figure out my personal land ethic. It's one of those things which I need a long time to wrestle with until I can come up with anything semi-intelligent.

According to today's activity, I'm an "architect/analyst" type of leader. I'm also a marshmallow and a cool cucumber. Two delicious foods.

Tons of self-reflection and coffee talk in the yurt today. Good stuff.

One of the big points of training they say is "taking it up the hill." I'm having some trouble taking personal efficiency and craftsmanship up the hill I guess, because the school work is suffering. I feel behind in every class and I'm seriously worried about my three midterms next week. Maybe a nice Tibet conference and a weekend home will fix things up, but I wish I was camping instead.

The trip was amazing. My kayaking skills improved as much as I'd hoped they would; it's really starting to feel natural now. I also got some great leadership practice teaching a stroke, co-leading legs of kayaking, and giving my mini lesson. Paddling through some pretty big waves was exciting, and the scenery was gorgeous. Warm-up games like ride the pony and cotton eyed joe, the ADK history skit, and singing the barges song were also big hits.

My very favorite part of the trip though was probably getting feedback from the leaders and fellow trainees. I'm very fond of self reflection. I really want to be able to understand who I am and how I can change to be exactly who I want to be. My biggest issue right now seems to be that I don't speak up or contribute readily, although I have plenty to offer. I'm not entirely convinced that I have as much to offer as they think, but I completely agree that I'm too withdrawn and reserved for a leader.

I got to put a lot of these things together during solo time when we wrote letters to ourselves for the future. My spot for that solo time on the shore was wonderful too, it was so misty and gray it reminded me of how it looks in December just before snow, and different animals kept appearing. Speaking of animals, just after we carried our kayaks out of the water for the last time, a Bald Eagle flew by - the first one I've ever seen.

I'll be leaving for the break trip tomorrow at noon. I am so excited. All the reservations I had are gone, I just want to get out of here, dress up in neoprene, and kayak. I don't even care if it's cold and rainy anymore, it has got to be better than school. I've been stressing a bit about constantly being behind on work, picking a major, and deciding where to study abroad, so this is great opportunity to relax. I should stop procrastinating now, not that I have a 245 page book to read for tomorrow or anything.

I'm going to give the staff training journal idea a try (thanks Allison - the only person who will read this). I'll write a couple of private entries and see how I feel about releasing them to the wild internet masses in a couple weeks. Am I cautious or what?